Weekly Reflection

Weekly reflection, reflecting on my past week.

Looking back at everything now, why should I be surprised or even feel that change will ever happen? I don't understand why I am so hurt when people say things sometimes, perhaps it's just my nature or that I put myself out there opening myself up to people I care about. Whatever it is I wish that I was a stronger person with a backbone when I needed to be, confident in myself and able to come back quickly in conversations with people who don't think before they speak. I have trained myself to think about something I want to say before I say it. What does this simple process do in the first place? It helps you say what you really want to say rather than just spouting out something quickly and potentially saying something hurtful or what you don't really mean to say.

I shouldn't be surprised at all when everything happens the way it does every time because it seems it's always the same process every time. If you want me to change perhaps be the leader and change yourself first. It's the best thing that one person can do. Be the change you wish to see in the world! Start with yourself! I've changed quite a bit in the past four years. However my changes have seemed to bother some people, or so it seems, so much that they try to push even more to get change to happen, the change they want to see. What I feel that is doing is pushing me even further than what they want. For the record, you can't change who I am as a person, only I can change who I am.

I find myself reflecting on past events and remembering what happened then, how I felt and how the past seems to repeat itself time and time again. Frustrating because now I am getting to the point to where I don't know when these moments will occur and therefore not ready once it happens. I don't have time to put up my emotional shield and make sure that I don't take any of it personally. I don't believe I could do that anyway even if I tried, the point is that I never get a chance to do even that.

This week has had up moments, down moments, and some in between. I've enjoyed a full week with my husband and now it's the weekend before he has to go back to work on Monday. Wish that the start of our week together didn't end up causing the rest of the week to end up as it did, however I guess it wouldn't be normal family events if it didn't end up that way. Sad but true, seems that family drama is meant to stay in our family no matter what. I greatly wish that the drama could be left out of family visits, especially visits in large groups or in public. There is a time and place for everything and sometimes speaking one on one is the best way to achieve understanding.

It all is down to being mindful of your words and being aware of your words and actions. I could say more but it just feels like I am constantly saying the same thing over and over again. Until there is change, the past will repeat and things will stay the same. I suppose I should just get used to the idea, accept it and move forward as best I can.