What's New With Me Update

I have not written since the beginning of this month and unfortunately the same things are still on my mind as they were then. With the exception of the reunion and seeing old friends, ex-friends and classmates. I just don't feel like writing much right now and my foodie blog has taken my every day as I've always updated on what I've been doing in my Tabasco Challenge. Perhaps after this month has concluded I'll return to my writing and be able to work on my cookbook more so.

I just don't know anymore.. I don't feel like a good person. When is it ok to say, "hey, sometimes it's about me!!!" and mean it?!!! I just don't know anymore. Seems like something always seems to pop up and therefore everything always goes unresolved and continues to haunt me as future events partake. It shouldn't be this way but it seems like it happens like this all the time now. And by all the time I mean for years and years this has been the case. I eventually let go of what bothers me, begin to let people back into my life, let my defenses down and then wham! Smack! Right in my face out of no where and if I would have been more guarded perhaps I would have seen it coming. But no, instead I try to let myself go and open myself up more. Every time this has been a mistake.

I knew what I was getting myself into ten years ago, perhaps I was in denial and didn't see clearly but I had some sort of an idea of what I was getting myself into. Now I just wish it was better and now everything is going to be different again for awhile. It always seems to bounce back to them, ironically they feel that it's always about me, so was said this last time. Strange and frightening how we are probably more similar than either of us would care to admit. Our personalities are just so different from one another and really if we weren't family, I wouldn't be a friend of theirs and I'm sure they wouldn't be a friend of mine.

So my mind is on many thoughts tonight. And the point of everything is that I just want the best for people, the people I care about, and yes, even the people I don't care about so much. Even my ex-friends, even my ex-boyfriends, I know, that's a real insane one coming out of my mouth but I even want the best for them and their lives even if they only wish ill of me.

This is how I am folks and if you haven't figured out who I am by now I don't know what to tell you. Other than, if you don't know who I am yet, then get to know me. I'm not that complex. I have feelings, emotions and a caring nature. I want the best for people even when they don't want the best for themselves.

Perhaps I can blame my reasoning on how I was raised and perhaps there are other reasons, I don't know right now. All I know is that for once I want it to be about me but I feel horrible saying that, and even more so that I mean it with every fiber of my being right now at this very moment. There are issues beyond my control or theirs happening right now and all I want is for my hubby to be there for me! I know I don't need him 24/7 I have never felt like the type of girl to cling onto people. I give people their space and perhaps more than I should sometimes. The time apart just makes me realize how important they are to me and how much I want them in my life!

It's almost 8pm on a Thursday and here I am sitting all alone with the kitties in the house. Suddenly out of no where I finally receive a text, he's on his way home in a few. My heart skips a beat and suddenly a feel a little more happy inside.

I hope that no one feels I am a horrible person for my feelings. Everyone has a right to feel things and to express them. And I don't feel these feelings all the time. And I thought that tonight's update would just be small and I wouldn't feel inspired to write anything. I often surprise myself.

Hopefully next month will be better.

Hopefully 30 will be better.

Well, here is to hoping anyway.

Incense Has To Be The Way To Relaxation

Incense has to be the way to relaxation! It smells wonderful in the house today. I did have some frustration that I wanted to rant but now I feel much more relaxed and calm. I do want to get a few thoughts out right now. This is in relation to the family drama that has happened recently.

I do apologize, you just may not remember at the time cause you were either upset or just not listening. I do say thank you, you just may not of heard me cause you were not paying attention or you didn't hear me. You may look at it as penny pinching but I look at is as being thrifty, it was the saving that helped buy the house. When you're in a relationship you are equals, what's mine is yours and yours is mine. You may not think my husband and I tell each other everything but we do, there are no secrets in our marriage. I am an open and honest person, so in case you were wondering I speak the truth. When I talk about things that are medically related it's because I know what I'm talking about, I've gone through so much and do have some knowledge. I'm not trying to one-up you, I have no idea where that idea came from. I feel like I never get to have an opinion and that hurts. It's not always about you and no, you aren't always right. When ever you talk about things it seems like it always goes back to being about you, even if it obviously isn't about you. When you say things about family that you believe are your opinions and not hurtful, I find them offensive and abusive. I wish that you would listen and understand. I hope that some day things will be different. Until then I will remain hopeful and keep my distance for now.

That's all I have to say right now. Now to burn more incense and relax.