Finding My Spiritual Center & Learning To Move Forward (Old Blog Post)

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

I woke up this morning not wanting to drive to the gym and work out with my new personal trainer or even attempt at going to my Piloga class, but I knew that if I didn't go today I wouldn't go all week. I have a busy week ahead of myself and today I also felt set back and did not understand why. However now I believe that I do.

I believe that it was this day seventeen years ago today that my father passed away. Seventeen years without him in my life and I have much emotion thinking about it. Not that of sadness really but rather that of remembrance.

I realize that my memories of him are different than other people around me, and for the most part I try to do my best to only remember the good, happy memories together. Though I can not dismiss all the terrible and unhappy things that happened.

I try to understand why things happened the way that they did and learn from that to help me move forward. Sometimes it is more difficult than I would care for.

So here I am now in my life trying to find my spiritual center and move forward. I have found this difficult many times through this past year. Trying to move past a time in my life that felt like it was out of my control and move towards a future that feels like it is more in motion to where I hope it to be.

In all ways possible I feel like I am a survivor. I have triumphed through when the odds were against me, many times. When I was a child and a teenager I had so many frustrations, anger, guilt, happiness, and sadness embedded in my memories. As an adult now I understand why I was so hard on myself and try to realize that things that happened were not my fault.

Getting back to the day at hand. I will always have a place for my father in my heart because he was the person who gave me life. Without him I may be a different person or may have never have existed. And because of that I thank him.

I have no idea what place he is in now. In what I believe, he was reborn to live again until he reached enlightenment. I can honestly say that I have no idea what he believed in. He was not a religious man and did not attend church services at all when I was a child, or if he did it was a rare occasion.

What ever the case may be and where he ended up going. I am thankful for his giving me a chance at life. And I am forever thankful for my mother for making it through the nine months and having me. It was a difficult delivery but we both made it through.

I can only hope one day that my future children will be thankful for my giving them life, like I am to my parents for giving life to me. The possibilities in life are endless. Now time to try to move forward.