When I Was Younger

When I was younger I had my moment of wanting attention, badly, so I threatened to slit my wrists and before I knew it I was in the crazy house pumped with pills. That was about six months after my near death experience from the head on car accident I was in when I was 16. That accident wasn't even my fault but it was a very stressful family time in my life. After both experiences I felt like I had aged. Since I was 17 I've been off the pills my life has been fairly normal aside from two back surgeries, a disability and all the stress that comes along with it. I'm married now, with two kitties and in the middle of a large move into a new house.

I haven't ever again felt the need to end it all after something horrible happened, but that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it. I believe that in one time or another in our lives we do think about it, ending it all or at least coming close. We may think about driving off the bridge just to feel what the rush would be like. Or we may feel like driving down the high way, windows rolled all the way down, passing cars left and right with no regard to the speed limit. Or bungee jumping or sky diving. It's a rush. That is why I believe some people try to end it all, for that rush, that since of no control for a moment. That moment that anything could or will happen.

Since I've grown past that moment in my life I've been able to look back on it and understand my reasons for doing it. I was at a low point in my life, felt like I was getting very little attention, was in a bad relationship but didn't realized it at the time, my mom was in a bad relationship which was tied to my bad relationship but didn't realize it at the time, I was just one real screwed up kid and was pushed to the edge. I was in denial of what had happened in my past and what was happening in my present. It took me about ten more years to realize what I had blocked out for so long and I still don't remember all the details. I don't want to remember all the details.

I have had family who have had their own melt down moment and went to the hospital for a few days, just like myself when I was younger. It was a lot of talk with them just like it has been with me. I felt like the most horrible person in the world when I was the one who informed the family what was happening and when we had the confrontation it wasn't pretty. It took a long time for the two of us to build a good relationship back with one another and I still can't forgive myself for feeling I hurt them by my being the one who drove them to the hospital when they didn't even want to go. Fortunately like me they were able to work through some of their problems, move forward like I had and now live a normal life.

Things are never the same after something like that happens to you. Sometimes you lose good relationships that you've had for so long all because people can't handle what you've gone through. Sometimes after going through a traumatic experience it makes you realize who and what is important in your life and get rid of those things and people who aren't good for you.

I had a friend of mine go through the same thing before but they took it a step further, pills, a stomach pump and stay at the crazy house for a few days. Actually my friend was there a week before I was when my incident happened. It's ironic because if mine had happened a week earlier we would have seen one another and been there the same time.

Since this time I've known other friends of mine to try the same thing, either they went through with it, tried with pills, or it's was all just talk. I've watched a few of my friends have to go to the hospital and get help, while others just don't do anything about it and now I have no idea where they are or if they did get help after all.

Right now it's not easy in the united states. Times are tough. Money is hard to hold on to or save up. People are losing their jobs, their homes... Losing hope that things will turn around for our country. Many times before our country has gone through hard times however we've always managed to some how make it through.

I've even had my moments these past seven months where I've gotten to my low points and don't want to do anything, feel horrible, sick, sad, just don't feel like it's worth it all, don't feel like seeing friends or family, or getting out of bed for that matter. Luckily I was able to pull myself out of my funk, snap myself out of it and get back to what was important in my life. I refused to let all the worry and frustration get me down, and since then I've been doing much better. Like I said before, we all have our low moments. I believe the difference is that if we can pull ourselves out of them before they turn into something much worse, we're going to be ok. And even if we can't pull ourselves out and need someone to help us, we're going to be ok. It's a process. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.

Those are my thoughts for the day. Since the week began I have thought about the reunion a few times but today I'm not worrying about it as much. It is what it is and many people don't even go to their reunion. I refuse to let something as silly as this to keep me from sleeping at night. I have bigger fish to fry or so the saying goes, I don't like that saying but that is what I was thinking just then. I have larger issues that are more important to take care of than a reunion right now. Once I am offline I will be taking care of more packing, beginning my new donation list and making a trip or two to storage if I'm able to finish what I hope to accomplish today.

It's amazingly beautiful weather outside today. Happy that the windows were able to be installed, with two people it only took about an hour. Now I have the entire day free until this later afternoon to take care of everything. Later today I have people stopping by to look at the China Cabinet that is listed for sale. I hope that they like it and will take it with them today. If so it will be one less item to worry about taking with us, selling or donating.