I have not written since the beginning of this month and unfortunately the same things are still on my mind as they were then. With the exception of the reunion and seeing old friends, ex-friends and classmates. I just don't feel like writing much right now and my foodie blog has taken my every day as I've always updated on what I've been doing in my Tabasco Challenge. Perhaps after this month has concluded I'll return to my writing and be able to work on my cookbook more so.
I just don't know anymore.. I don't feel like a good person. When is it ok to say, "hey, sometimes it's about me!!!" and mean it?!!! I just don't know anymore. Seems like something always seems to pop up and therefore everything always goes unresolved and continues to haunt me as future events partake. It shouldn't be this way but it seems like it happens like this all the time now. And by all the time I mean for years and years this has been the case. I eventually let go of what bothers me, begin to let people back into my life, let my defenses down and then wham! Smack! Right in my face out of no where and if I would have been more guarded perhaps I would have seen it coming. But no, instead I try to let myself go and open myself up more. Every time this has been a mistake.
I knew what I was getting myself into ten years ago, perhaps I was in denial and didn't see clearly but I had some sort of an idea of what I was getting myself into. Now I just wish it was better and now everything is going to be different again for awhile. It always seems to bounce back to them, ironically they feel that it's always about me, so was said this last time. Strange and frightening how we are probably more similar than either of us would care to admit. Our personalities are just so different from one another and really if we weren't family, I wouldn't be a friend of theirs and I'm sure they wouldn't be a friend of mine.
So my mind is on many thoughts tonight. And the point of everything is that I just want the best for people, the people I care about, and yes, even the people I don't care about so much. Even my ex-friends, even my ex-boyfriends, I know, that's a real insane one coming out of my mouth but I even want the best for them and their lives even if they only wish ill of me.
This is how I am folks and if you haven't figured out who I am by now I don't know what to tell you. Other than, if you don't know who I am yet, then get to know me. I'm not that complex. I have feelings, emotions and a caring nature. I want the best for people even when they don't want the best for themselves.
Perhaps I can blame my reasoning on how I was raised and perhaps there are other reasons, I don't know right now. All I know is that for once I want it to be about me but I feel horrible saying that, and even more so that I mean it with every fiber of my being right now at this very moment. There are issues beyond my control or theirs happening right now and all I want is for my hubby to be there for me! I know I don't need him 24/7 I have never felt like the type of girl to cling onto people. I give people their space and perhaps more than I should sometimes. The time apart just makes me realize how important they are to me and how much I want them in my life!
It's almost 8pm on a Thursday and here I am sitting all alone with the kitties in the house. Suddenly out of no where I finally receive a text, he's on his way home in a few. My heart skips a beat and suddenly a feel a little more happy inside.
I hope that no one feels I am a horrible person for my feelings. Everyone has a right to feel things and to express them. And I don't feel these feelings all the time. And I thought that tonight's update would just be small and I wouldn't feel inspired to write anything. I often surprise myself.
Hopefully next month will be better.
Hopefully 30 will be better.
Well, here is to hoping anyway.
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